Submissions

Do hermaphrodites leave the toilet seat up or down?

J. King, www.covertcomic.com

Women are sort of like the Metro---there might be a new one every 10 minutes, but you can't ride them for $1.50.

Wade R. Watts

If you can get to the self-help meeting on your own, do you really need to be there?

John Alejandro King, 'The Covert Comic', 'My War On Terror!'

If global warming was outlawed, only outlaws would warm their globes.

The Covert Comic @ www.covertcomic.com, - from 'My War On You!'

Those who cannot remember the past are invited to come over to my place.

The Covert Comic @ www.covertcomic.com, - from 'My War On Terror'

To blame wickedness on Christianity is to blame obesity on dieting, to blame theft on the police, to blame fires on the fireman, to blame sickness on the doctor.

RHJunior

For 'tis a truth well known to most,
That whatsoever thing is lost,
We seek it, ere it comes to light,
In every cranny but the right.

William Cowper, The Retired Cat

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin

Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.

Sy Parrish, One Hour Photo

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

Susanna, Girl Interrupted

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

Steven Weinberg, New York Times April 20, 1999

Death is not the worst; rather, in vain
To wish for death, and not to compass it.

Sophocles, Electra

I only slept with her cause I'm in love with you!

Sean Bateman, The Rules of Attraction

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.

Sandra Bullock, Hope Floats

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.

Ring Lardner, How to Write Short Stories

The President can bomb anybody he likes.

Richard Nixon, Nixon

Winter is come and gone,
But grief returns with the revolving year.

Percy Bysshe Shelley, Adonais

Vile deeds like poison weeds bloom well in prison air, it is only what is good in man that wastes and withers there.

Oscar Wilde, The Ballad of Reading Gaol

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong; he can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate way

Mark Twain, Speech in NYC, Jan. 22, 1906