Ambrose Bierce

Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the fool their lack of understanding.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Wisdom and Ignorance

Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  War and Peace

Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  War and Peace

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted into each others' pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Law and Politics and  War and Peace

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Success and Failure

Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be nullified on behalf of a single petitioner, admittedly unworthy.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Science and Religion

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Science and Religion

Love: A temporary insanity cureable either by marriage or by removal of the influences under which he incurred the disorder. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than the patient.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Love and Hate

Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Love and Hate and  Success and Failure

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Love and Hate and  Success and Failure

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Health and Disease and  Life and Death

Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Life and Death and  Men and Women

Vote: The instrument and symbol of a free man's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Law and Politics

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Altruism and Cynicism

Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Altruism and Cynicism

Egoist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves than in me.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Altruism and Cynicism

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Altruism and Cynicism

Accuse: To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged them.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Law and Politics

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

 Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in  Wealth and Poverty

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

 Ambrose Bierce, in  Wisdom and Ignorance