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Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Benny Hill, in Men and Women

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin, in Vice and Virtue

Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in War and Peace

Mankind must give up war in the Atomic Era. What is at stake is the life or death of humanity.

Albert Einstein, in War and Peace

The great question -- which I have not been able to answer -- is, "What does a woman want?"

Sigmund Freud, in Men and Women

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.

Robert Frost, in Success and Failure and Work and Recreation

The more you wrestle with a turd, the more shit gets on you.

Shelly Horton, in Success and Failure

The Puritans hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.

Thomas Macaulay, History of England, I, in Vice and Virtue

Hitch your wagon to a star.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, in Success and Failure

All these nervous breakdowns are driving me crazy.

Lee Hawkins, in Health and Disease

Egoist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves than in me.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, in Altruism and Cynicism

There's nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.

Peter F. Drucker, in Success and Failure

An expert is someone who is one page ahead of you in the manual.

David Knight, in Wisdom and Ignorance

I call Christianity the one great curse, the one great intrinsic depravity, the one great instinct for revenge for which no expedient is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, petty -- I call it the one mortal blemish of mankind.

Friedrich Nietzsche, in Science and Religion

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.

Howard Aiken, in Success and Failure

The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense.

Tom Clancy, in Art and Literature

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

Hubert H. Humphrey, in Law and Politics

Whenever anyone says anything he is indulging in theories.

Alfred Korzybski, in Science and Religion and Wisdom and Ignorance

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

Simon Cameron, in Altruism and Cynicism and Law and Politics

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

Albert Einstein, in Science and Religion